These are two posts I've recently posted elsewhere:
This is a very raw post. Please don't read it or respond to it if you don't want to be bothered about death and mortality.
I'm wondering if I'm the only one who is ready to just go to heaven and be done with this stuff? Not in a theoretical, philosophical kind of way, but in a I'm tired of being tired, know that death for me will be a quick doorway to Heaven, and I'm not afraid of what's after death kind of way.
I'm not talking about ready as in, oh someday I'll die. I'm talking about like, if I find out my cancer is growing when I have my CT scan next Friday, I'm going to stop treatment and do what I need to do to be physically, emotionally, spiritually, relationally, and financially ready to leave this earth.
Maybe I've always been pretty well ready and the cancer is just making me more ready. Sometimes I wonder if God is preparing me for the time because the time will be soon. Maybe it's the book I'm reading, Heaven by Randy Alcorn, that's the most interesting, hope giving book I've ever read in my life.
The bottom line for me is that there is a very high likelihood that treatment will stop working at some point. The people I love, and who love me, will at some point have to release me-be it because of cancer or something else. When God chooses to have that happen is His decision.
I'm trying to live a balanced life, do what I can to take care of my body, spend my time well, etc. I'm just ready. And I'm tired of wondering, I'm tired of ambiguity. Knowing more about heaven and what I'll be doing there has only intensified all of my feelings about this whole issue.
If you have a thoughtful comment please respond. But I'm not looking for lectures about antidepressents or needing to fight, neither is the issue here. I'm not up for an argument, or for a debate, or some attempt to change my mind.
This was a post I left later on..
You all have made me feel much relieved. I read about all of the fighting and I just have a different perspective. I honestly have been praying for wisdom about this for months, actually all along the cancer journey, and I can only assume that this is God's answer for me.
I need to be ready to accept whatever information I get next Friday with complete neutrality. If the cancer is gone, I need to be able to embrace that. If the cancer is stable and I have to continue treatment, I have to be able to embrace that. If the cancer is growing and I need to stick with my decision to stop treatment, I need to be able to embrace that.
Most of my family and friends know my thinking about this. Some agree and some disagree but the bottom line is that it's my body and I'm the one in it dealing with all of this. And as I said, they are going to have to release me, and I them, at some point anyway. It's going to be very hard to be strong about my decision when the time comes, I'm sure of that.