Saturday, October 24, 2009

Recent Thoughts on Treatment or Not

These are two posts I've recently posted elsewhere:
This is a very raw post. Please don't read it or respond to it if you don't want to be bothered about death and mortality.

I'm wondering if I'm the only one who is ready to just go to heaven and be done with this stuff? Not in a theoretical, philosophical kind of way, but in a I'm tired of being tired, know that death for me will be a quick doorway to Heaven, and I'm not afraid of what's after death kind of way.

I'm not talking about ready as in, oh someday I'll die. I'm talking about like, if I find out my cancer is growing when I have my CT scan next Friday, I'm going to stop treatment and do what I need to do to be physically, emotionally, spiritually, relationally, and financially ready to leave this earth.

Maybe I've always been pretty well ready and the cancer is just making me more ready. Sometimes I wonder if God is preparing me for the time because the time will be soon. Maybe it's the book I'm reading, Heaven by Randy Alcorn, that's the most interesting, hope giving book I've ever read in my life.

The bottom line for me is that there is a very high likelihood that treatment will stop working at some point. The people I love, and who love me, will at some point have to release me-be it because of cancer or something else. When God chooses to have that happen is His decision.

I'm trying to live a balanced life, do what I can to take care of my body, spend my time well, etc. I'm just ready. And I'm tired of wondering, I'm tired of ambiguity. Knowing more about heaven and what I'll be doing there has only intensified all of my feelings about this whole issue.

If you have a thoughtful comment please respond. But I'm not looking for lectures about antidepressents or needing to fight, neither is the issue here. I'm not up for an argument, or for a debate, or some attempt to change my mind.

This was a post I left later on..
You all have made me feel much relieved. I read about all of the fighting and I just have a different perspective. I honestly have been praying for wisdom about this for months, actually all along the cancer journey, and I can only assume that this is God's answer for me.

I need to be ready to accept whatever information I get next Friday with complete neutrality. If the cancer is gone, I need to be able to embrace that. If the cancer is stable and I have to continue treatment, I have to be able to embrace that. If the cancer is growing and I need to stick with my decision to stop treatment, I need to be able to embrace that.

Most of my family and friends know my thinking about this. Some agree and some disagree but the bottom line is that it's my body and I'm the one in it dealing with all of this. And as I said, they are going to have to release me, and I them, at some point anyway. It's going to be very hard to be strong about my decision when the time comes, I'm sure of that.


  1. we will continue to pray with you for understanding how you may continue walking very closely with the Lord Jesus Christ, allowing Him to give you light for your feet and unwavering joy, not dependent on the circumstances of the valley He is leading you through for your great and mysterious good and His unspeakable, Dad

  2. As I read your words I was transported in my mind to the time 10 years ago when as a mother I had to make the same decision for my 10 week old daughter. It is so difficult to know when it is time to give up the fight. I can only say keep your heart open and listen when its time God will be calling you. I think of you often and will continue to pray for peace and healing for you.
    Rene Ford

  3. Well, it seems that you will quite probably get to go Home before most or all of us reading. I would miss you so much!!! If it means that 1 person will join us for eternity who otherwise wouldn't have, then it will be worth it. I know we would say that once we get there. It's been so cool to hear your stories so far!

  4. Martha-My prayers for you are many. We can all learn something from your blog, Most of us get so tied up in our day to day, we never think about death. Its much more real for you based on your dx and statistics but to have seen life snatched from so many people in an instance. I hope your comments on your blog about life and death make us all think about it, as it is reality for us all. its only a matter of when, maybe in our sleep tonight, or on our way to work tomorrow. Life is very fragile and a gift.