Friday, March 5, 2010

Life Right Now

Some people have asked, so here’s the nitty gritty stuff...

I am usually feeling okay, sometimes feeling well, and sometimes feeling pretty foul. The symptoms I’m having aren’t so much symptoms that I haven’t had before, they are just more consistent and stronger. I’m having more nausea, which is mostly under control with a nausea med I’ve started taking every morning. I’m having more lower back pain, which is under control so far with good old ibprofin, which I also take every morning. My appetite is decreasing, which is weird for me. I’ve always been hungry a lot, so to not be hungry—even when I’m not nauseous or feeling full is pretty strange. Sometimes I’m really tired and sometimes my energy is pretty decent. I have a new swollen lymph node under my left arm to match the one that’s been under my right arm since last July, it’s only the size of a green pea but is definitely a bit painful now and then.

I just finally told my coworkers about stopping treatment and whatnot. God worked out an ideal opportunity to communicate with them and I’m thrilled to have that done. I was pretty apprehensive about doing it but I have been blown away by the love and support in their responses. They are an amazing group of people to work with and I’ve been very encouraged by my conversations with them this week.

How I’m going to handle communicating with my students when the time comes, I have no idea. I’m still concerned about that. Many of them love me and my biggest concern for them is that they’ll think I’ve died without hope—which will very definitely not be the case...

Being so excited about what I’m learning about Heaven is making it necessary to be more measured when I’m with people who are grieving over my situation... I want to be empathetic and sensitive and also share my excitement in a helpful way...

On Thursday I’m going to get my flower/butterfly/garden tattoo. I’ve almost finished the design, just need to tweak it a bit here and there. I’m very excited about that.

I’ve been wearing a medical alert necklace for about a month now. I decided that almost the worst thing that could happen to me would be to finally have Jesus come for me, and then have some well-intentioned person make me come back here by resuscitating me... I don’t know how all that works—how people have the power to make us come back from Heaven, but I KNOW it would be terrible and I’d be indescribably ticked off. So the necklace has a tag with my name and a DNR order on the back with phone numbers for my health care power of attorneys and my doctor’s office. Wearing it is reassuring....

I still have a large smelly animal living in my basement. One possum somehow died down there and was removed, and then the holes into the basement were “fixed” so I thought the several year long issue was resolved.... I’ve been trying to brainwash myself into the live and let live in my basement philosophy, but the animal sounds really creepy walking around down there in the crawlspace at night and it defecates down there, which makes my whole house smell putrid for days at a time.

My big painting for my brother just needs signing, final glazing, sides painted, and hanging hardware and it’s finished. I’ll post a picture soon.

I read this on my ovarian cancer forum today and think it is awesome:
My last breath on this earth, will be my first breath in heaven.


  1. You are one courageous lady and have my great respect and admiration! Bless you.

  2. "For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them," Eph 2:10, and you are walking "to the praise of His glory." Thank you! Love you lots! M&D

  3. Whenever I read your blog, I'm amazed at the power of your story, and reminded of the incredible faithfulness of our God.

    You create (incredible!) art, but the way you live your life is also your art. I think THAT is what will speak to your students when the time comes, and they'll see your hope.

  4. You inspire me everyday. Love you.

  5. Martha, you are an inspiration to me and I am sure many, many other people. The amount of strength, the level of determination you have had to fight, and the beautiful grace you have shown along your journey is an example to all of us. My positive thoughts, energy and love go to you, Trista