Sunday, May 16, 2010


re·vul·sion (r-vlshn)
1. A sudden, strong change or reaction in feeling, especially a feeling of violent disgust or loathing.

I just had surgery a week ago. It was supposed to be easy, quick, and minor. I hoped it would be. I spent the last week with steri strips on a 3x4” area under my arm. Last night, it was time to take them all off. I was told to keep them on for a week, so I did. I had already reinforced the edges where they were loosening with paper tape and I was just hoping to have a semi-normal and healed incision when I took them off. Instead, there was a half inch length of the incision, in the otherwise healed and decent looking 2-3inch incision, where the steri strip tape hadn’t held the sides of the incision together. Instead of being healed, it was open and wet and red and tissuey and gross. Not infected or oozing, just revolting.

Just to add shock to revulsion, about half an inch below the bottom end of the incision, sticking out of otherwise normal skin, there was a plastic suture sticking out of my skin half an inch. No one told me it would be there. I found a pair of scissors and pulled it up the suture just a little bit so it would disappear under the skin after I cut it, and then cut it. I flushed the piece of suture down the toilet; I didn’t want it in my trash can. Then I tried to tape the open part of the incision closed with paper tape as well as I could.

I don’t think there is a way to describe how much physical horror has been involved in this process over the last year and a half. This incision is just the tip of the iceberg and I don’t care to try to list all of the many horrors of exams and chemo and surgeries and blood draws, so you can use your imagination.

I don’t think there is a way to describe how shocking some of the experiences I’ve had with my own body have been. I hear people talking about the beauty of the human body and what a miracle it is and I think about the experiences I’ve had. I know this horror is the result of the curse and it isn’t how we were designed by God. But it is still disgusting right now.

I don’t think there is a way to describe how much of a relief it is to know that I don’t have to deal with this body the way it is right now for too much longer.

I don’t think there is a way to describe how excited I’ll be when Jesus comes for me and makes my body new and whole and healthy again.


  1. We grow up thinking our bodies are full of "life"...ongoing life it seems. Cancer certainly brings us to the fullness of the realization that we are subject to death and its attending horrific end. Thanks be to God that our bodies, when made new, will be glorified with "real" life and we will ever be with the Lord.

  2. I was listening to the ONE DAY song by Matis Yahu today. Made me think of you... the violence that has entered the world has also entered our bodies and it makes me long for the fulfilling of the Kingdom.

  3. Thanks for real words about your journey. You honor us with the unPolyannaized version and I'm so thankful you do not hide from us. I'm loving getting to know you, by the way!!

  4. M... that sucks. I'm sorry. :( Wish I was there to share your revulsion and help piece it all back together. Hope you're not in physical pain after all this... talk soon.

  5. Somehow I don't think He created you to be in the medical field. :-) I know you are being very brave, and I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this #@8** but yes, you will be the lucky one sooner than us, it looks like! Sarah is bummed, too, that she won't get to know you more, now that she'll be in our family. Hugs, L