For the last few weeks I have been struggling deeply with the Mercy Promise that God made me.
It hasn’t been feeling like He’s being merciful. It felt to me like He wasn’t keeping His promise. His promise wasn't making any sense.
For nearly two years I have been trying to guess what the fulfillment of this promise would look like in my life, and at times I thought I knew, but I was wrong.
This morning, I was talking with my wise (and wonderful) hospice nurse and God used our conversation to show me what the fulfillment of His mercy promise will look for me. (And if I’m wrong, He will forgive me for thinking I know, but this time I’m sure that this is something He has shown me).
This morning my nurse and I had our usual reporting/reflecting/question session. Toward the end of our conversation, I said that based on how dramatically my body has changed just in the last week, and how fast my body is deteriorating, I can’t imagine that it will be more than a few more weeks, or a month at most, before I go Home.
She responded by agreeing that things are happening rapidly and said she didn’t know how long my body will tolerate it’s current condition, she said she didn’t know if my body will try to tolerate it because I’m so ready and because I’m so at peace with “dying.”
As I was reflecting on her comment, which I found very encouraging, I felt like I finally understood what the Mercy Promise means.
It means that because of the work God has done in my spirit, mind, and body over the last two years, my parts are all unified. So as I continue to deteriorate physically, my mind and spirit won’t fight my body and cause all of the physical chaos that people with terminal illnesses so often experience.
Instead, as my body deteriorates, it will be free to do it in a gentle and peaceful way, with permission from and my mind and spirit.
I picture myself moving with ease and grace from life to Life. I don’t see a huge “fight,” or a horrendous “struggle,” I don’t see any massive issues to be afraid of, and I am not afraid—I’m not afraid to wait for the right time and I’m not afraid to Transition.
And yes, I am suffering. Yes, I am in pain. Yes, last night I wretched so hard it made my something in my lower spine/right hip (the one that already hurts a lot) crack or pop so loudly I both heard it and felt it, and the pain was so excruciating that I had to get help lifting my legs onto my bed.
Yes, my physical situation is grim, but it is not nearly as grim as many of those with terminal cancer. Yes, it could be infinitely worse.
It is such a huge gift to understand this.
It is, in itself, such a miracle to be given such a clear idea of what His promise to me means.
And, as always, thank you so very much for all of your thoughtful and encouraging comments, and for your prayer for me and my family. We are very thankful.
In His Grip, Martha